Reacting with Love

Experiencing life in two genders can be such an incredible look at the way that we are socialized and how we are expected to act. Even the different mannerisms and cues that we each have become so different. Being someone who is trans but has very masculine tendencies these are things that I had considered when I finally began allowing my Ashlee side to live and get out there more. It can take a lot of mental thought to sit or stand a certain way that ‘Ashlee’ might do as opposed to what I have been socialized to do my whole life.

Recently, I found this hit me over the head on social media. Facebook’s new reactions have been a fun addition to the site. It can certainly cause uproar in some instances but for someone like me that really just uses facebook to keep up with people in my life it was a pretty simple addition. I have a facebook account for both my male and female accounts and on my Ashlee account I can’t hit that love button enough. Seeing other people happy is one of the things that makes me truly happy and knowing that someone is able to celebrate their wins on facebook is truly awesome, it doesn’t matter what it is. I think back to all the LOVES I’ve hit on my Ashlee page in the last week alone – a friend posts a selfie that she feels great about and you can see the confidence beaming from her: LOVE, a friend celebrates a new life change that has made her life free and wonderful: LOVE, a friend posts a loving picture with her child: LOVE, a friend NAILED a makeup look she has been working on: LOVE, a friend posts something proud of quitting smoking: LOVE, a friend posts an inspirational quote that really hit me: LOVE, a friend writes a blog that speaks to me: LOVE, a friend posts something where you can just see that she might need a little bit of love and support: LOVE – you’ve got this girl! Spreading the love is a wonderful thing – and from me it’s real. Each of those examples I listed – along with the many others I didn’t – are things that make me happy because I know that these things are making those people happy and that’s an awesome thing to celebrate and as Ashlee, it’s great to be able to do that and be real and spread that love and just send that message to the poster to say “this is fucking awesome.”

I had been on a run of LOVES on my Ashlee page and then logged over to my guy page. I scrolled through it a bit and found a beautiful picture of a friend of mine with his wife and young child and they looked absolutely adorable and so happy. I immediately hit the LOVE button….but then I remembered I wasn’t on my Ashlee page any longer…and then I changed the LOVE to a LIKE. I sat back and thought about the thought process that went into that. Just minutes ago I was loving posts left and right but the “change” in the person made me feel that I couldn’t show that same level of enthusiasm. I had to tone it down. It may be “just another like or love” to the poster and something that they wouldn’t think anything about otherwise, but I instantly felt a little bit of shame over it – like it wasn’t ok for me to LOVE this other guy’s picture. This is someone that I have been friends with for 20 years. Someone that works hard and has always been a great person – why wouldn’t I LOVE the fact that he has found a wonderful woman that he loves and has created a beautiful little family life? It’s just different for guys – and that’s kind of crappy.

As I have come out to more people, those that know me well would talk about how I always had those traits that are considered “more female” – that I was caring and empathetic and that I was more “soft” than most guys – but that I was this football player so how could anyone really expect this? Some of these things that I almost felt like I had to tone down to not be considered weak were actually points of strength and points that I should be willing to embrace and own. What a freeing feeling that realization was! As I have become more comfortable with myself and gotten that reinforcement to just be me, I have been able to allow that soft side to show more and it’s amazing the positive impact that it seems to show in my male life as well.

I really started letting it loose in the workplace. I work with college students and have always had that jock image – but more recently I have used it to my benefit to get students to think differently. If I can have a caring and supportive mindset and allow someone to be soft, then anyone would. If I say it’s ok to cry or show some emotion then people – my male students especially – feel ok and safe to do so. What an awesome power! I’ve created this wonderful safe space for my students – a spot that they can let their guard down and where they can be their true selves and not worry about that macho bullshit that they might feel they have to let out otherwise. Not only has this space been created but they come back for more and know that they can count on me. I’ve always had that knack with students but this has allowed a whole new opportunity and allows me to better do my job to support students. In my personal life, it has been a tremendous benefit as well to support my friends and allow them to be open and real. Allowing friends that have been buttoned up for 20 years to come out with their own struggles and frustrations I have been able to offer true help and support much more than the “it’ll be ok, man. You’ll get through it” bullshit that most men deal with. My friends are thriving and getting the appropriate support that they likely wouldn’t be doing otherwise – and I am damn proud of that!

It’s funny to have a sneak peak into life as both male and female and see the noticeable differences. Here’s to hoping that we can do better as we move forward – to know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, to empower ALL of our children, to teach consent and respect at an early age, to give all of our children their best opportunity to be the best person that they can be. But I do hope to continue to spread that goodness to all the people I can. To be more willing to talk about our feelings and not be ashamed of them. To know that there is a lot of wonderful in this world and the more that we can appreciate and build each other up the more wonderful it can be. I’m committed to continue to lead by example and hope that it can continue to blossom and that we can all just live our most authentic and true lives. It just feels better that way.

❤ Ashlee